“Home” is a relative term. Sometimes, home has to do with my comfy chair that I sit in at night to relax. Sometimes it has more to do with my home environment as a whole and the various resources that are there (like chocolate and books). And sometimes, it is just the United States in general. For example, right now, I am craving a bit of Barnes and Noble and normal chit chat with the waitresses and waiters at our favorite little vegan restaurants in Denver. I am craving my cats and the occasional glimpse of baby kittens walking across the street in our small town where we live.
This feeling is a bit like drowning and a bit like rocketing to the moon. It’s the feeling of being neither here nor there and it’s really uncomfortable. It clouds up my ability to make small decisions (Should we go to yoga classes tonight?) and it makes me feel like eating chocolate chip cookies all day (there are none available, thankfully).
It’s a Sunday, and I feel a sense of obligation to make it into something amazing because I’m in Costa Rica, for God’s sake. I should be making big, touristy memories with the family. I should be having some sort of trauma (not to big, not too small) to take home with me and share with friends (…and then Lydian fell into the volcano, and…). But alas, I am at “home” (not my real or permanent home; in fact, I’ll only be here a few more days before moving to a new “home”. Is that adventurous enough? Perhaps I need to go out and get mugged or something, just to feel a sense of completeness….).
I tend to be judgmental of other people’s versions of insanity, but not so critical of my own. But I am crazy. Nuts. A total wack-job. I’m sure that I don’t make sense to other people and they’re either scared of me or totally put off by me because of the irrational and sometimes self-defeating rules that govern my personal mental planet. Their insanity, on the other hand, makes me feel a grounded sense of self-righteousness that I value a great deal when I’m in the midst of an internal crisis like the one I’m having today. (Can you believe she got her boobs done?…He drinks too much…They’re blowing all their money on furniture that doesn’t even fit into their living room…). Thank God for other people’s silly insanity. It brings me back down to earth (…at least I think it’s earth).
Though I want to come home with a big story about my amazing adventure, I also want to take time to observe the subtleties of our life here. Unfortunately, I can’t really do both things. I can either be peaceful and contemplative or balls-to-the-wall adventure-seeking. I have this problem with choosing between two extremes and this situation is no exception. I want it both ways. But, if I straddle the fence, I’ll end up with neither, not both. This is the part where I feel like I’m drowning.
So I’ve spent the day trying to just keep my thoughts from getting out of control. I’ve been sitting on uncomfortable furniture, drinking mostly tasteless lemon tea, and trying to be more in-the-moment as I do mundane tasks. Lydian keeps talking about Thailand and I want to join her in her research about the next place we could go, but I’m not even here, in Costa Rica, right now. I’m everywhere and nowhere (I think there’s a song I know with those words as lyrics…). And Thailand, in my mind, is as far away as Mars and all I can think about is that it would be much harder to find chocolate chip cookies or kittens there.